I overestimated my linguistic abilities. Learning Spanish is hard, especially when you're sober. As much as I make myself understood, to my ears I still sound like a retarded parrot with speech problems.
In my world, there is no past nor present as I don't know how all these tenses work. Everything I say, is the present. Right here! Right now!. "I AM tired because I AM on the bus for 12 hours, yesterday". "No, sweetie, you're not on a bus, you're at a hostel. Have you taken any illegal substances?!".
Luckily, I can rely on the help of the Lonely Planet phrasebook. Here's some bizarre (and useless) sentences from the 2012 edition (and my answer to those).....
"The bathroom door is locked"
(well, someone must be taking a shit, leave them alone!)
"Do you mind if I breastfeed here?)
(what do you think? You're in a queue in a bloody supermarket, woman!)
"My travel buddy is blind"
(So? Leave him behind)
"I don't take drugs"
(you loser)
"I don't mind watching, but I'd rather not join in"
(For real? And what's the point?)
"It's not you, it's me"
(great, I can now bullshit men in South America, too)
"I'd like to explore wrecks"
(then buy a mirror)
And the winner of 2012 is.....
"I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth".
(come on! No need to be so harsh, a simple "no" will do! Besides, how weird would it be, not to be able to say a sentence in Spanish without sounding mentally challenged, yet come out with such an elaborate answer! I don't think it would work, so if anybody asks me out I make my life easier and just say "SI!")
I see gay people. I mean, I see them everywhere. I convinced myself that 95% of the male population in Cordoba is gay. They just don't know it yet.
In UK I know many men who barely brush their teeth in the morning. In Cordoba, men get up in the morning and they look ready for a photoshoot for Dolce and Gabbana.
Also, their eyelashes are too thick and long. I don't trust men whose eyelashes are longer than mine.
Men in Cordoba smell nice. Really nice. I'm sure it's because they want to confuse women and make the believe they're straight.
In Uk, men smell of booze. I'm sure it's because they want to confuse women and make them believe they're gonna buy them a drink.
I have been away from home for a month. An entire month! I learned so much in a month.
I learned that it's worth investing extra money in soft toilet paper.
I learned that I'm one of the most accomodating, caring and nurturing people I know. No backpacker will ever share a room with me without being fed, listened to or comforted if needed.
I learned the soothing power of hugging people, even if they are strangers. It's totally acceptable, here.
In a month, I virtually hugged everyone: from the man who gave me directions to the transgender who sold me a pie. And each time, I feel like there is a flower blossoming in my heart. I want to create a huge garden!
I learned that whoever said that men stink and women don't, has never spent a night in a female dorm.
I learned that you should never take small things for granted. Next time you drink a nice cup of tea from your favourite mug, or dry yourself with a soft towel that smells like sunshine or when you crap in your own toilet....cherish the moment!!
And, of course, the most important thing I learned.....everything is possible. You just need to move your ass and make it happen.
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