A week to go and I'm shitting my fashionable pants

I'm ready.In fact, I'm nearly ready. Well, I'm very close to be ready. No, I'm not ready at all.
Looking after the practicalities was easy. I'm not a control freak for nothing.
Quitting my job was dead easy.
Giving up my flat was quite easy.
Selling my belongings was easy, with some difficult brief moments (I sold my beloved red dress to a chav. And in the name of money!).
Giving my plants up for adoption was not easy at all.(I hope the new parents will remember that they like to be talked to but not shouted at).
Saying my goodbyes will be hard, but with the help of a large amount of gin I won't even remember who my friends are. (And they will be likely to forget who's leaving).
Leaving your comfort zone (and a very happy life) is difficult.
Many people told me I'm brave for the choice I'm making, but it takes no bravery to pack some t-shirts in a rucksack, withdrawn your life-long savings, buy a plane ticket and go. Going to war takes bravery. To die in the name of your Country takes bravery. (or stupidity if you come from MY Country) You don't need to be brave to go travelling. You just need a good  travel agency.
Many people told me I'm lucky. But lucky are those who win the Lottery and can afford to travel wherever they want, whenever they want. Lucky are those spoilt brats who get sponsored by rich mummy and daddy. Lucky are not the ones who work hard, really hard, to get where they want. That is called "determination".
So, am I ready? I have a first aid kit, trekking shoes, maps, books, a great travel insurance and a lot of enthusiasm.....does it mean I'm ready?
I'm anxious, to put it mildly. But luckily, there is always someone who tries to make you feel better! The travel nurse, for example, said I NEED Hepatitis B vaccine. Because "I'm a woman travelling alone, so I might be raped". Thanks, love. And the countless people who told me they know someone who knows someone who got kidnapped/killed/attacked/robbed/beaten up in Bolivia? Thanks to all of you.
So I did do the vaccine. I guess you have to be ready for everything, don't you? And I also packed a knife, a survival kit, a whistle and a compass. And I trained for months in the gym ,wearing boxing gloves, so that now I can potentially beat the shit out of anyone who's stupid enough to try and hurt me. Because I am, after all, a woman travelling alone. And you never know. Right?

And why, exactly?

Countless people have asked me why I started this travel blog. (I'm lying, nobody asked me anything, but it sounds like I'm popular, doesn't it?).
Well, for two main reasons. First, there is a slight possibility that I will become the new internet sensation, with 4 billion readers (the best thing since Susan Boyle!) who will absolutely love my witty observations and who'll create the biggest media interest to which would follow TV appearances, interviews and lots and lots of lucrative deals (handy to finance my next trip to Central America and my next blog).
Second, there is a slight possibility that I will lose my travel journal like it happened during my trip to Mexico and I wanted a way to immortalize my memories forever, so if one day I will marry a man with children I can read them the stories of my travels and they'll realize how cool their step mum really is.
Besides, my memory seem to be deteriorating (just yesterday I was reminded I owe some dude some money, I could not remember THAT)
So here I am,  with exactly 14 days to go, a lot of pots and pans to store, a lot of boxes to fill with junk, a lot of goodbye drinks to have and no spelling check. Wish me luck. I need it.

10 things that all beginner travellers should know.... before they go

1. Rucksacks are heavier than they look.
2. Do not leave dentist appointment to the last minute. If you need any work done (and if you love chocolate praline as much as I do, you WILL) your teeth will need time to adjust. Oh, and your wallet will, too.
3. Do not expect genuine joy from all of your friends. Some of them will hate the fact that whilst you're sunbathing on a warm beach, they'll be sitting in front of a computer from 9 til 5. "I'm so happy for you" sometimes translate into a "I hate you, you lucky bastard".
4. No matter how old you are, do not tell your parents that you have just booked a jungle tour and you will be spending 4 days  looking for alligators and 4 nights sleeping in the bushes, without even having  a sleeping bag. Yes, you're an adult. Yes, it's your life. Yes, you're a tough cookie. But why make them worried?
5. Eat your most favourite food any time you can. God knows when you'll eat a decent pepperoni pizza next!
6. Meditate. No, fuck that, just get drunk.
7. If you buy shoes for your travels, make sure you don't just walk in them beforehand. Jump, run, climb, dance and even sleep wearing them. Blisters? No, thank you.
8. Buy yourself a guide then do the opposite of what's recommended. What the Hell, you only live once.
9. Do not spend a fortune in Outdoor Shops, buying the coolest travel clothes. Instead, buy everything super cheap and leave everything behind.
10. Have I mentioned that rucksacks are heavier than they look?

Less than 2 weeks to go and I already need an Imodium.

Things to do before I go:

• Wax. Even the unwaxable.
• Eat more vegetables
• Call banks
• Get drunk
• Make sure the waxing did work